Diagnosis-PERFECTIONISM: Get a grip before you derail!
by: Trudy Bourgeois
As a recovering perfectionist, I can say with a high degree of confidence that functioning, even surviving, day-to-day as a perfectionist doesn’t work! As a perfectionist, no one can ever measure up to your expectations. Nothing is ever good enough. We are often haunted by the thought of what we didn’t say or what we wish we had said.
I can’t tell you how many people suffer from a fear of failure. To me that’s what drives perfectionist behavior. You want so bad for others to hold you in such high regard that you beat yourself up no matter how good a job that you’ve done. It’s that fear of failing that causes people to believe that if they make a mistake, if they are any less than perfect; the world will come to an end.
So what can a leader do to overcome the perfectionism disease? First, admit to yourself that you have perfectionist tendencies and then make a commitment to change. Once you’ve mustered up the courage to admit that you live and breathe for recognition of your perfect life that you no longer want to function day in day out hiding in your own skin then and only then can you change!
As a leader it is your responsibility to create a culture that is rich in opportunity for skill enhancement and contribution. People won’t want to take the risk of making a mistake if they feel like there is nothing that they can do that will please you.
Here are several steps that will help guide you through your transformation. Make the commitment to practice these steps and I promise that you’ll begin to notice a very positive change. You’ll be calmer. You’ll be more at peace. And, yes believe it or not you’ll reach a point where you actually are satisfied. And, when you make a mistake you’ll embrace it as a learning experience and move forward without beating yourself up. Good Luck!
1. Awareness is the key. You don’t know what you don’t know. Spend time thinking about your feelings. If you are constantly feeling like your not measuring up, that’s a red flag. Stop and check your expectations of yourself and of the people that report to you.
2. Make the commitment to adopt a new behavior. The will to change any behavior is a choice. Make the choice and the commitment to change the way you react. In fact, stop reacting, and start responding. Challenge yourself to set more realistic goals.
3. Keep everything in perspective. No matter what is the fire of the moment, trust me, it’s not that serious. If your family is not hurt, if the sky is not falling in and if you have breath in your body, no matter how big of a problem it is you can deal with it. Mistakes are a wonderful teacher. Embrace them!
4. Don’t assume the worst. Emotional intelligence is all about your ability to process your own feelings and the feelings of others. Don’t’ imagine that the mistake is causing everyone to lose sleep. You’re probably the only one losing sleep. If a mistake occurs that affects your boss, the team or someone else, simply admit to the mistake. Then take corrective actions to block the same mistake from happening again
5. Practice letting go. Once you have done your best, let God do the rest. It sounds like a cliché but it helped me to realize that I’m not in control of everything. In fact, there are actually many things that you and I cannot control. Once we realize that we don’t have to be in control, we can begin to practice letting go.
6. Listen for clues from yourself and your team. If you hear directly or indirectly that someone that reports to you is experiencing overload, it’s a red flag. Perfectionists always set the bar higher than is achievable. We push and push and sometimes we push too far. Look for the clues. You are feeling tired. And, your team is complaining about being tired. Step back and call a time out. Regroup and reevaluate.
7. Give others permission to call you out. If you get past all the red flags but can’t bring yourself to stop, then give someone else permission to let you know when you are out of control or when your expectations are set too high. Or, if your deadlines are tight. In order for you and your team to perform at their best there must be fluid communication.
8. Identify the desired new behavior. Find a mentor that is really strong in managing stress and creating realistic objectives, but has been really successful in leading themselves and others. Start mirroring the way that they handle constant change, problems and disappointments. Try to adopt the behavior to your own style.
9. Practice. Behavior is not easily changed. Give yourself time to learn and grow. Don’t think that because you’ve made the commitment and want to make the change it’s going to happen overnight.
10. Celebrate small improvements in your behavior. As you begin to take on and integrate new thinking and new behaviors, take time to celebrate the victory of positive change in your life.